RELATIONSHIPS

Prior to taking your relationship to the-woo hoo!-next milestone stage of coupledom, ponder these probing queries to bring key issues to the surface.

Before moving together....

Ask yourself

1. Am I moving in with him mainly to get distance from my parents or to prove that I'm an adult?

2. Am I doing this because I don't think I can make it alone and I assume he'll take case of me?

3. Was this decision prompted because it makes life more convenient or is it a great financial deal?

4. Am I running away from a bad living situation or roommate?

5. Can I tolerate his daily habits?

6. Do I feel relaxed enough around him to reveal my flaws?

7. Have we discussed duties? Who cleans and when? Or have we agreed to hire someone?

8. Will we split our rent down the middle or does it depend on whose salary is bigger?

9. Have we set rules on how often friends and family can stay over?

10. How will we merge our decorating tastes? Do either of us have items that we are not willing to give up?

11. Am I prepared to have someone always in my space?

12. Does he drink or smoke too much?

13. What's his financial track record?

14. Has he been financially dependent on prior girlfriends?

15. What do our recurring fights tend to be about? Do we believe that cohabiting will help fix those issues?

16. Could our routine spats get worse when we share such close quarters? How have we prepared for that?

17. Am I hoping this will lead to our engagement? If so, does he know that and share the goal of marriage?

18. If we split up, how would we divide our assets?

Before getting engaged....

Ask yourself

1. How much do I expect him to spend on a ring relative to his income?

2. What is the first thing I'll be excited about when he proposes: the ring or the spending our lives together?

3. Does being with him make me truly happy- happier than I was before- or am I just relieved to have a fiance'?

4. Am I doing this because it feels right or is it because I have an internal time line?

5. Do I feel pressure because my girlfriends are engaged or my family's pushing me?

6. Does he take responsibility and know how to say "I am sorry." or does he stonewall me?

7. What kind of friends- or friendships- does he have?

8. Does he put his buddies ahead of our relationship?

9. Are we moving at the same pace or is one of us rushing the other to take this next step?

10. When I have pangs for old boyfriends, are they random and fleeting or do they leave me longing?

11. Has he flirted or been touchy-feely with other women while dating me? If so, am I convinced he now understands appropriate boundaries?

12. Do we have the same ideas about where to live?

13. What are his long term values and goals in terms of career? Wealth? Relationships? Family? Health? Are those compatible with mine? Do I expect any of those- for either of us- to change down the line?

14. Would I be prepared to move if he got a great job in another state?

Before tying the knot...

Ask yourself

1. Can he put up with my relatives and can I put up with his?

2. Are either of us cut from or overinvolved with our families?

3. Have we discussed our family health histories?

4. Have we discussed whether or not we want kids, how many, and how do we want to raise them?

5. Are we on the same page about our careers? Does one of us want to stay at home?

6. Would he be cool with my desire to work- or not- after kids?

7. Would I be okay with it he I were the breadwinner? Would he?

8. Do I know how he'll feel if I keep my last name?

9. Do I feel comfortable "marrying" into his social circle of friends?

10. If one of his parents turned on me, would he stand up for me or would I have to fight for myself?

11. What's his idea of the right way to discipline children?

12. What are our values (family, religion, politics), and do they mesh?

13. Do we have similar definitions of what quality leisure time is and how our vacations should be spent?

14. Will I be incurring any of his debts or will be incurring any of mine?

15. Do we plan on having separate bank accounts or creating one that we will both shame?

16. Is he open to going to therapy to work through problems if we need to one day? Am I?

17. If he doesn't change and what I'm getting now is exactly what he's going to be and nothing better, will I still be content with him?